Espada Kindergarten
by akhal-teke
Summary: A short, humerous, what-if story about a day in the life of the Espadas in kindergarten.


Espada Kindegarten

The Espadas were all nervously sitting around their table, dreading the meeting that was about to take place. No, it wasn't because they were in trouble, or because Aizen was about to explain a particularly heinous plan, it was because Gin made a home movie of all of them while they were in kindergarten and had insisted that they watch it. As the light dimmed and the projector rolled, a title showed up on the screen saying "Espadas in Kindergarten, by soon-to-be famous film producer Gin Ichimaru". It shows an old home movie of all the Espadas while they were little and in the kindergarden classroom. Everyone was in their favorite center. Little Szayel, Zommari, and Luppi were playing dress up, young Ulquiorra was finger-painting a very depressing-looking picture while Yammy was busy eating the paint, little Nel and Nnoitra had lots of blocks to play with, but were too busy fighting over the same one, and Grimmjow was sitting in his usual spot, the time-out corner. Since the Soul Society's wages are apparently pretty poor, Captain Unohana was secretly hired by Aizen as their kindergarten teacher.

"Okay, kids, put everything away and come over for circle time." said Teacher Unohana. All the kids immediately dropped what they were doing, came over and sat around her. "Let's start off by singing our ABC's!"

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G..." sang Aaroniero.

"How I wonder where you are..." sang Nnoitra

"F, X, L, M, 7, 4, D..." sang Szayel.

"Teacher, I've really got to pee..." sang Halibel.

"Now I know my 1,2,3's…" said Ulquiorra.

"Next time won't you... Awww, screw this!" said Grimmjow.

"Well, uhh, that needs work," Unohana replied "especially since we're supposed to sing that for all your parents and principal Aizen in two days and I don't want them to think that going to school has made you stupider. Anyway, let's all talk about what we want to be when we grow up."

"I wanna be a cowboy, and a policeman, and a racecar driver, and an astronaut, and a tornado, and a fruit bat, and a skydiver, and…"

"Stark, it sounds like you need to take your Ritalin again, don't you." Unohana spends the next few minutes wildly chasing little Stark around the classroom, then after she catches him and force-feeds him pills, he immediately goes to sleep. "Anyone else?"

"I want to be a cheerleader!" said Lillinette.

"I want to be a singer." said Halibel.

"I want to be a male model and get all the girls." said Aaroniero.

"I want to be a proctologist" said Szayel.

"Teacher, is eating finger paint during craft time considered a job?" asked Yammy.

"No."

"Darn it!"

"When I grow up, I want to be a ballerina with a giant pink tutu, only is has like, a zillion eyes in it that can control people's every move."

"Zommari, let's try to be realistic."

"sigh...I guess I'll just be a firefighter."

"Very good! Nel, Nnoitra, what do you want to be?"

"I don't need a job." replied Nel. "Cuz my best friend Nnoitra gives me all his lunch money for free every day."

"Well, yesterday Nel told me the only job I'd be good for is a Mister Ed impersonator, right before sticking my head in the toilet."

"Aren't you two just adorable? And what about the rest of you?"

"I want to, like, write really sad and depressing poems and, like, sing really depressing songs and stuff like that." said Ulquiorra.

"Oh, come on!" said Grimmjow. "You can't write poems! You don't even know your ABC's! As for me, I want to be a gangsta so's I can beat up Ulqi."

"Do I need to send you to time out again, Kitty?"

"DON'T CALL ME KITTY!"

"That's it, time out, little mister!" Grimmjow unhappily makes his way to his usual corner. "The day's not even half over Grimmjow, and what's this been, the sixth time? Luppi, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I wanted to be a princess, but my daddy said little boys aren't s'posed to be princesses. What should I do teacher, I'm really confused?"

"Well, Luppi, the answer is obviously…My oh my, look at the time! It's recess! Everyone except Grimmjow go on out and play. You obviously need to stay behind for some emotional therapy again."

All the little Espadas happily run outside for recess. A group of them gather to play a nice game of house inside the jungle gym.

"Okay you guys," said Lillinette, "I want to be the mommy, Stark can be the daddy, and Ulqui can be our baby! Aaroniero can be the sexy pool boy, Zommari can be the rich uncle from Uzbekistan, Halibel can be the cleaning lady working on minimum wage, and Nnoitra can be the dog."

"That's not fair! It's MY turn to be mommy!" said a very upset Halibel. "And besides, I just saw you wipe boogers in your hair. That's soooooo gross!"

"She does it all the time." said a very sleepy Stark. "Lillinette, your blonde hair is gonna turn green!"

"No it won't. I can wipe my snot wherever I want!" she said as she picked her nose, pulled out a huge booger, then rubbed it into her hair. "What do you want Szayel?"

"Can I be the family doctor?" he asked.

"No way, man!" said Zommari. "Last time we played "doctor" with you we all got sent to Guidance Counselor Gin's office for a week and our mommys and daddys all called REAL doctors!"

"Yeah, go away!" said Lillinette. "Oh, hi Nel. Do you wanna play? We could always use someone to play the crotchety old neighbor that hates kids on his lawn."

"Thanks for offering, but I don't wanna play." said Nel. "I'm just here to take all your lunch money. Everyone get in line and if you don't want a face full of sand, give me all your money!" she said as she started stealing from everyone and beating them up.

"Stop where you are, Nel!" exclaimed Nnoitra. "I'm sick and tired of you taking my lunch monees and I'm sick and tired of you taking the other kid's lunch monees! I will save the day and get everyone's monees back!"

"Oh, yeah? What makes you so tough?"

"I'm bigger than you!"

"That's cuz you're, like, 10 years old and the rest of us are 5."

"So I was held back a year or two. Big deal! I can still save everyone's lunches." Nnoitra said as he walked up to Nel, but instead of fighting, Nel dropped on the ground and started to scream. Unohana immediately ran outside.

"What on earth is going on here?"

"Teacher, that big kid was beating me up for no reason!" cried Nel.

"NNOITRA! I don't believe this! You'll have to come in and join the Kitty in time out!"

"I'll get you for this, Nelliel!" Nnoitra screamed as he was being lead away. Of course, immediately after Unohana and Nnoitra leave, Nel gets right back up and starts wailing on the other kids. Soon after, the credits rolled and the lights brightened back up in the meeting room.

"So, how did you guys like my movie?" asked Gin.

"No idea. I slept through it." said Stark.

"You didn't miss much. It was boring!" said Yammy.

"It was awful!" said Grimmjow.

"Yeah!" said Ulquiorra. "I can't believe how tan my skin was back then."

"I can't believe I never grew up to become a male model" said Aaroniero.

"I can't believe that you totally knew that Nel framed me for her crimes, but never said anything or helped me!" said Nnoitra.

"Oh come on! You're WAY over-exaggerating." said Gin. "It's not my fault that none of you understand great art when you see it."

Five seconds later he was tossed out a 60 story window.

THE END

The Espadas are copywrights of Tite Kubo. These Espada results are not typical. Prolonged exposure to Espadas may result in nausea, headaches, stomach ulcers, vomiting, bloody diarrhea, coma, or in rare cases making you believe you're a unicorn. Ask your doctor if Espadas are right for you.


End file.
